Kenyan Politics Enters Sex Ban!

Now this story is just ludicrous and has me cackling like a cuckoo on crack. The Womens Development Organizaition coalition is encouraging women to deny their men sex for a week, in protest at the political clusterf**k the country is in between it's squabbling lead cocks, Prime Minister Cock and President Cock.

Given their aggressive lust for power, Mr Eagle Eye finds it hard to fathom why such men would even care about a week-long sex ban. Here are the reasons why this is all a load of arse!

• A week without sex? What is a week? That's no time! Try banning sex for a month or two for starters. But Mr Eagle Eye is of the belief that women lust after it more than men, so the women would crack!
  
• And even if they cannot manage, I'm sure they can just bend over one of their 'aides' and relieve themselves. It'd be like Clinton and Lewinski all over again, but not as funny. Because, come on, Clinton was just Clinton! No one could compare!
  
• However, the opportunity for political scandal is ripe! Imagine if the Prime Minister had sex with the President's wife, and filmed it! Imagine if the President and the Prime Minister's wife were having a cross-party sex party! Imagine if that happened in this country! Unfortunatley, the chances of Gordon Brown pulling down his nappies to try to play sink the pole before the poll with Mrs Cameron are small.
• Chances are the women could end up just getting sexually assaulted or raped, which is not nice at all.

Also of urgent need for Mr Eagle Eye to address is that these hens just are not that hot. Seriously, if one of these women were your lady (more fool you), would you care going a week without getting the hose wet?
The UK fares even worse for political totty! For a nation in which it's leading newspaper features a daily photo of a pretty nude lady, one would have thought that the UK would have prettier women on top! However, Mr Eagle Eye thinks this exhibit just about says it all!

However, if this were the government of Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Burlusconi, then the government would come to an instant and irrevocable halt until the needs of his Party of Freedom were met! Mr Eagle Eye has had his Eagle Eyes caught indeed with these images of Italy's proposed candidates for the upcoming European Elections:

And let's not forget Mr Sex Scandal himself, President Nicolas Sarkozy of the Fifth French Republic! If his piece of totty tricolour were to go on a one-week sex strike, Mr Eagle Eye would have to cover his ears and fly as far away from Paris as possible, lest he not be able to sleep due to the wails of a sleepless Nicolas.
And this has left Mr Eagle Eye with a statement, a testament of monolithic common sense.

Sex Strike will only work if the lady is hot!

Swine Flu makes me Sick!

New Year, new fashionable pandemic! It has come to that time of year again, when a few people die from slight variant of an existing disease, and the whole world has flipped into a sensationalistic frenzy, yet again claiming that this year's disease is the one to cause much death. Mr Eagle Eye suspects that these nonsense-sprouting fools must have contracted somne kind of disease of the mind for them to be coughing up such garbage!

Before we pass judgement on this latest sputtering upstart, Mr Eagle Eye shall summarise the facts, via Peck Points of course:

• In it's home country of Mexico, 149 people have died as of this peck point, with 2,000 people infected. Mathematically speaking, that is a death rate of just over 7.45%.
• Swine Flu originiates from Pigs, and it is not possible to catch Swine Flu from contaiminated Pork. Great news for Mr Eagle Eye, who loves his meat!
  
• The diesease is spread via coughing and sneezing.
• The USA has 12 million doses of Tamiflu being readied from federal reserves, and the UK has confirmed that it has 33 million Tamiflu vaccines in stockpiles (f**k the credit crunch, that's where all the money went!!), which can administer over half of the UK population!
• Swine Flu does not have the same ring to it as Bird Flu, therefore it is not as cool.

Therefore, it is pretty safe to assume that Swine Flu will choke up a small mess, and be cleaned up pretty damn quickly, as was the case of Bird Flu and SARS. Those who were predicting, or hoping for, a global pandemic will have to face the music!



Nothing to get your feathers in a flap about! If anybody in the UK dies of Swine Flu, Mr Eagle Eye will immediately point his feathers in the direction of the government! 33 million Tamiflu vaccines and you still managed to screw up?

What will it be next year? Cow Flu? Cat Flu? More people will die this year of binge drinking than Swine Flu, even if this over-rated cold starts to... catch on!

The Ten Commandments v2, as per Wired!

Mr Eagle Eye is gob-open laughing akin to a juvenile chick in the nest! Wired have really let themselves go doing a report the 'American Stonehenge', and it's alledged instructions of how to build a better world in a post-apocalypse scenario, which they have taken the time to report on here.

Before I rip in to Wired, I, the omnipotently knowledgeable Mr Eagle Eye, shall summarise the upcoming scenario, as alledged by various doom prophets in my Peck Points:

• The date of 21st December 2012 is apparently significant. On this day, the sun will appear to rise in the sky in line with the centre of the Milky Way Galaxy. That doesn't sound like a big deal to Mr Eagle Eye, but he'll have his camera ready, should be a pretty photo. Also on this day is the end of our current 'age' as according to the Mayan calendar and the transition into the new age. Nostradamus and the Freemasons Guild also give their own predictions of 'changes', which doom prophets like to milk the cow dry on.
• As for 2012 itself in general, the sun is predicted to be higly active in terms of solar flares, which send lots of electromagnetic energy our way. However, this co-incides with the 'presence of an unusually large hole' in the Earth's geo-magnetic field. In summary, Mr Eagle Eye likens this to a G20 soap-dodgers protest when the riot police are down the beach in the sun! And if our electric grids get surged as predicted, Mr Eagle Eye will have trouble using the internet. Should that happen, there will be hell to pay, hell.. to.. pay.. Then you will have an apocalypse on your hands!
• Now, as for these Georgie Guidestones, they are pretty much a bastardized mutation of the Ten Commandments, but with the familiar added spice of Americanism for shits and giggles! Mr Eagle Eye will now swoop in and analyze each Commandment in detail!

1. Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature. Mr Eagle Eye agrees that the human population on Earth is taking the piss now (it would require 6 Earth like planets to allow the current world population to live with the affluence of the average American). However, just as Mr Eagle Eye flew from his nest, it is humanity's duty to expand into space! Instead of killing off 9/10ths of the population, Mr Eagle Eye suggests terraforming the Moon and Mars and sending people there for starters.
   8 Birdshites out of 10.
2. Guide reproduction wisely - improving fitness and diversity. What kind of advice is this? Is he telling us to breed humanity into a super race Hitler-style, or just that we should put the sock on in the sack? Or that we should all do our excercises, or that if there are lots of diverse groups, they won't have enough individual power to overthrow the power system this stone-brained nutcase was masturbating over.
   10 Birdshites out of 10.
   
3. Unite humanity with a living new language. Yeah, tried that with Esperanto, and it was an epic fail. Why not unite humanity with an existing, widespread language that is already used in international transactions by politicians and business. English! Mr Eagle Eye suspects that with their new language imposed, the megalomaniac behind these overrated bits of rock can further confuse and control his populace
   7 Birdshites out of 10.
   
4. Rule passion - faith - tradition - and all things with tempered reason. Passion doesn't follow the rules, because that is what passion is. This guy wants faith under control so no other religion challenges his status as a God, which sounds no different from any other religion that came before. Now then, 'controlling tradition' sounds most suspicious indeed to Mr Eagle Eye. Mr Eagle Eye does what he wants, when he wants, why he wants, and if some upstart God tells me what my 'traditions' are, I'll peck his eyes out and shit in the sockets!
   9 Birdshites out of 10.
   
5. Protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts. Maybe he was running out of ideas. Come on mate, if you have got the energy to erect big rocks ontop of a hill, inscribed with your arse-shite in ten different languages, at least think up something original.
   6 Birdshites out of 10.
   
6. Let all nations rule internally resolving external disputes in a world court. Didn't we try that with the Leage of Nations and then the United Nations? The UN is about as effective at resolving conflicts as alcohol is as making problems go away, and there is more meat to a vegetarian sausage than to the UN's will. Also, Mr Eagle Eye points out, in this idealistic yet tyrannically controlled world of yours, what makes you think there would be any disputes?
   7 Birdshites out of 10.
   
7. Avoid petty laws and useless officials. Now then mister, when you are in power here, Mr Eagle Eye would like you to tell him, straight to his beak, what defines 'petty' and 'useless', as it seems you have given yourself rather a lot of room to maneuvre. In addition, when you refer to petty laws, did some of your own pop into mind? What a tosser.
   8 Birdshites out of 10.
   
8. Balance personal rights with social duties. Sniff, sniff, I smell authoritarianism! Mr Eagle Eye states that people should have personal rights, and personal responsibilities to themselves, but not others unless there is money involved! Social duties implies that his guy must have been a tree-hugging hippy who thinks people will do everthing for free, a dictator in the making, or some wierd spawn when the two of them shared themselves.
   9 Birdshites out of 10
   
9. Prize truth - beauty - love - seeking harmony with the infinite. Another ambigious message with about as much clarity as a window made out of toast. Let Mr Eagle Eye summarize and correct this shit-gobbler; Truth is prized, that is what the science is for, what the media is for, what social interaction is for, because people prizing truth isn't a new concept. Beauty is prized, especially by Mr Eagle Eye when he's taking a look at the ladies. Not just in a sexual thing, but beauty is evidently prized as proved by architecture, art and music. And Mr Eagle Eye does not need to explain that love is also prized. As for seeking harmony with the infinite, I would try and fathom what is exactly meant, but Mr Eagle Eye would likley just get his feathers in a flap and just say F**k it!
   10 Birdshites out ot 10
   
10. Be not a cancer on the earth - Leave room for nature - Leave room for nature. That isn't a typo there kids, this idiot actually says it twice! Once was enough on your previous Commandments, so why repeat yourself here? Nature has quite enough room; as per AAAS, 50% of the human population occupies 10% of the Earth's land (that doesn't cover the oceans remember), and 75& population covers 20% of the Earth's land. And this is a population that is apparently 1000% larger than what it should be. This point is pretty redundant anyway, for if point 1 is excercised, there will be even more percentage of the Earth's land for nature to frolick in.
    8 Birdshites out of 10

Wired, the fact that you have published two armageddon-related articles on the same day makes Mr Eagle Eye wonder what your agenda is. Granted, the solar flare article is scientifically based, but it does not need following up with a front page article on a bunch of rocks inscribed with B.S., that was erected over 20 years ago! Mr Eagle Eye casts a shifty eye your way, and expects better from you!

And Mr Eagle Eye leaves you with this!

The Video Game Industry needs to press Reset

When Mr Eagle Eye was still a little shit living in the nest , he spent much time on on his various computer game machines! I fondly remember spending so many hours playing the likes of Gunstar Heroes, Shining Force II, Super Hero League of Hoboken from the mid-90s. Looking back, I remember playing video games was a source of imagination, creativity and fun, the chance to enter the warped realities of niche games!

In Super Hero League of Hoboken, one of my favourites of all time, you can kill your enemies by increasing their cholesterol level, and can have your entire party decimated when a 'Beaureau-Crat' opens it's draw to spill red tape! Come on, what kind of game these days dares to dance with something so on the edge? What game features a post-apocalyptic world where you are under attack by living tupperware, obsessive fitness robots and self-aware, snarling farm machinery? In what game nowadays do your superheroes have such superpowers as 'Eat Spicy Food Without Distress' and 'Look inside a Pizza Box without Opening It'? Answer me! Answer me, modern gaming industry!

Super Hero League of Hoboken was created before the video-game market took off big-time in the mid-late 90's, when the Playstation built on ground gained by earlier successful Nintento and Sega consoles. However, the market going mainstream was the death-knell for fringe games like the aforementioned classic. The big-time money lay not for parody-RPGs of a warped nature.

Taking my Eagle's Eye View, the following peck-points I shall make with my angered beak!

• Much of the mainstream market is not interested in fringe titles. Therefore, sport, driving, beat-em-ups, and shooting titles have come to dominate the shelves. Reason is simple from a business point of view; more people will buy them. However, by taking such safe bets on real life simulator games, new content and imagination has been all but lost completley! A travesty, and it makes Mr Eagle Eye go cross-eyed with rage! Remember when Worms was released? It was super cool, because it was so original, so different, and was a huge success. However, if Worms was put forward as a games idea nowadays, it would be laughed out the boardroom. Mr Eagle Eye ponders how many other such proposals that could have been big-money hits were ripped up in the offices of the games companies. Risk-taking has nosedived faster than Mr Eagle Eye when he needs to take a crap.
  
• With the gaming industry so mainstream these days, there are far too many third parties involved, akin to a barrage of cocks trying to get themselves into the hen. Sponsors are plastered on seemingly every polygon on the screen, music from recognized artists while you play. While a smattering could be ok for select titles, it all detracts from what in Mr Eagle Eye's opinion, a video-game should be about; entering an alternate reality to flex the wings of your imagination. If I like Nike (which I don't because their logo looks like a birdshite carried in the wind), I'd go buy a pair of their trainers. If I like Coca Cola, I'd drink it. If I like a band, I'll go listen to their stuff. Add to that the increasing level of interference from parent's groups, politicians, and there have been way too many cockerals ramming that poor hen up the arse she is damaged for good, with no chance of laying the good eggs all the cocks wanted. Mr Eagle Eye is highly displeased, for good eggs are a great source of protein. Instead, we're getting rotten eggs!
  
• Sequelitis has grown from an affliction affecting a handful of games into an epidemic that is swallowing the game industry. Mr Eagle Eye cannot so much as spread his wings in a video store without his feathers being tarnished by suffixes! As I was sqwaking in my previous peck-points, this is because games chiefs are scared shitless of not only losing money, but risking publicity. Why risk money and ridicule when you can release what you did last year and charge full price? The only good thing to come out of this is that, even if Number 10's education system renders the youth so illiterate that they cannot count to 10 and beyond (some series are taking the piss these days), the video game industry is helping out with basic math!
  
• Following on from this, I'm going to take a massive shite on this peck-point, that may cause more division of opinion so large that it may even dwarf the size of my birdshite, or even my ego! Game Engines! These, in the opinion of Mr Eagle Eye, have been one of the biggest bullets to be put in the head of originality in computer gaming. The principle, to create a game template and copy it from title to title with a bit of tweaking is easy to fathom from a business sense, and is likely a massive load off the programmers mind once they get an effective one. But, it has allowed developers to get lazy, and led to a more clones than a sex party at the abode of Dolly the Sheep.
• The consoles and various video-game machinery of today have such dynamic hardware that they are capable of much more in terms of graphical representation, in-game physics, sound and so on. However, this has meant that the cost of video game development has ballooned, and that games now spend years in development, not just months, even if you have a game engine to help. Imagine spending a year twiddling the code for a sports game, in comparison to developing something crazy and warped in a matter of months. Which is more motivating to thee?
  

That's enough peck points to blunt my beak, but I after I have depressed you, it is my job as an overly dramatic storyteller to bring your depleted spirit back from the abyss! There is hope for video-games! It lays in taking gaming back to it's roots before the days of photo-realistic graphics. Whilst traditional consoles continue to go down the 'real' route, other independent developers are plugging the gap. On modern platforms and interfaces such as the iPhone, yet with good old originality, they are the breath of fresh air to relieve the atmosphere after a decade of vomiting over a games industry that made Mr Eagle Eye sick!

Got the Bottle? Let's talk Alcohol!

To get me in the mood to talk drink, I have opened up my bottle of Old Luxters that has sat on my desk since September. Feel privileged, I say! Now then, let me tell you that alcohol misuse is a huge issue, with 2008 figures putting alcohol misuse's cost to society at £25.1 billion as of 2008. As I flapped my feathers at yesterday, a nation that is already hammered financially cannot afford to ship sums of cash like this to deal with people who choose to act like morons.

I would like to draw your eyes to two very crucial statements here, in the opinion of the Eagle Eye himself! Firstly this: it is not alcohol that goes over the line, it is people. And secondly, as alcohol consumption is historically entrenched in culture worldwide, and especially it seems in Britain, trying to get people to stop drinking is unfeasable. As Straight-Edge as Mr Eagle Eye likes to think he is, he still likes to sip the liquor from time to time. My Old Luxters says howdie!

Ok, enough waffle, and onto the observations and suggestions of I, the Eagle Eye! The youth of today is obsessed with binge drinking. All they seemingly want to do have a 'great night' is get incredibly pissed. In the opinion of the Eagle Eye, this is the result of an increasingly undisciplined society, whereby these mongrels have no conception of self-respect, self-control or self-responsibility. Much of this blame can be laid at the feet of the Labour Government and their ruinous education system, but Mr Eagle Eye also casts heavy criticism on the delusional 'hyper-liberals' as I call them, who have plagued the UK since the 60's. Mr Eagle Eye agrees with liberalism in principle, but principle and reality do not always share common ground, and the reality is, school children who are not controlled will go out of control.

So, Mr Eagle Eye states that restoring discipline in the classroom, and in family life, will help tremendously to helping children becoming sensible, balanced adults, who have more respect for themselves than to wreak damage on their bodies and finances with senseless inebriated gratification.

Ok, that solution would take years, possibly generations to fulfill. With his ear to the wind, Mr Eagle Eye can hear thee shout, what of the short term solutions?! Take it easy there, and don't spill your drink, because Mr Eagle Eye has the answer, and it's common sense!

Make drunkeness in public be the subject of ridicule, embarrasment and humiliation! Anybody deemed drunk should be barred from entering venues such as cinemas, shopping centres or other public establishments, including pubs. Let them get pissed up in there if they wish, but when they've had enough and are chucked out, they won't have a chance of getting back in there. If people want to get hammered, let them do it at home, where they are not being a nuisance.

Put it this way, imagine you are going out with some friends to go, say, bowling. and then on to the pub afterwards. All is going well, until your mate gets pissed at the bowling alley. He is chucked out, and he won't be getting into the pub later either. That's your group night out ruined because he couldn't control his drink. Your first thought '...you twat, this night is fucked now!'. And there you have it! Socially unacceptable drunkeness in public!

And people will remember something they forgot from long ago, perhaps from the days they were children. A social event does not need to involve getting pissed to be a 'great night'. F**king mint!

The Budget 2009; the Eagle Eye Analysis!

Alistair Darling today unveiled the budget for 2009. Below, I, Mr Eagle Eye, shall disect each segment with snappy anger, for I am in a particularly aggressive mood this evening Victoria Line on strike and signal failures suspending the Overground are the napalm to start tonights forest fire on UK finance!

At a Glance as per BBC
Eagle Eye Reaction

Cigarettes, Alcohol and Fuel

• Alcohol taxes to go up 2% from midnight - putting the price of the average pint up 1p

As someone who consumes little alcohol, doesn't smoke, and takes the train, my wallet couldn't give a toss about tax increases on these. However, Eagle Eye says this:

Taxing alcohol will not solve alcohol misuse problems to the degree many people suggest. Much of the drunken youth these days choose super-market assisted 'pre-drinking' before hitting the town and acting like knuckle-dragging neanderthals. Instead of taxing specifically on alcohol, Eagle Eye suggests illegalising ludicrously cheap alcohol promotions. That way they will go drink in the pub instead (and 'Save the British Pub' which they pretend to be so passionate about), and not drink as heavilly because they can't buy as much booze for their money. More forceful policing would also help. Ok, I'm going off on a tangent here and I can go on about this subject for ages, so I'll make it the subject of my next post.

• Tax on tobacco to go up by 2% from 6pm - equivalent to an extra 7p on a pack of 20 cigarettes

Tobacco, tobacco, tobacco... Tax it to oblivion! 7p tax for a pack of 20? Eagle Eye suggests £7 if not more! Smoking is a fucking bane for the Health Service, costing £billions yearly. Perhaps if these weak-minded nicotine guzzlers coughed up more cash for their fags, they would help pay the NHS bills for their ill-deserved treatment. Or better yet, they can quit, and spare themselves and their families from the haze.

• Fuel duty to rise by 2p per litre from September, then by 1p a litre above inflation each April for the next four years

Not a driver, my wallet has dodged this bad boy. Moving onwards!

Car Scrappage Scheme

• From next month until March 2010 motorists to get £2,000 discount on new cars if they trade in cars older than 10 years

What in the name of?! The plan here is to get us to buy more cars. Isn't the government wanting us to not use cars? What about the increase in fuel duty? All this is doing is to try and help the car industry. Hypocrisy! Hypocrisy I cry with a wide Eagle Eye!

Failed industries fail on merit and do not deserve bail-outs in any shape or form!

One thing positive about this is that it will get older, dirtier cars off the roads? That is debatable. But Eagle Eye suggests this; if this is to be implemented, only allow the £2,000 discount for cars that are at the green end of the spectrum of miles to gallon, emissions etc.

• They will have to show they been the registered keeper of the vehicle for the previous 12 months before ordering the new car

Big whup, common sense. Moving swiftly on

• The government will provide £1,000 with the industry expected to provide the other half

So I am expected to pay up for someone else to trade in their care for a nice new flashy one, and support a doomed industry in the process? Because let's face it, we'll be paying the industry half with bail-outs. Eagle Eye says this; F*** OFF!!

Tax

• Income tax for those earning more than £150,000 to rise to 50% from April 2010

Sniff, sniff, I smell a Taxodus! Punishing the rich and successful is a stupid, stupid move, all in the name of typical Left-Wing, socialist-bleeding-heart commie populist propaganda. Unlike the poor, the rich have a greater choice of options due to, well, being rich obviously. Would you rather stay in the UK and see your deserved money get taxed off you in the name of dole-scroungers and the 'disadvantaged', or get the hell out. People who are rich are generally smart, so the latter is a no-brainer.

The rich might be unpopular or unfair in the eyes of the masses, but it is better to tax them a little and have them stay and spend their wealth in our economy, than have them sod off and spend their coffers in someone elses economy.

• Tax relief on pensions to be reduced for people on more than £150,000 a year from April 2011

As above. Shaft the successful, and they will shaft you by leaving the country, leaving an empty hole where their money used to be!

UK Economy

• Economy forecast to shrink 3.5% in 2009

IMF says 4.1%. Darling is a twat.

• Growth expected to pick up in 2010, expanding by 1.25%.

IMF says economy to shrink again by 0.4%. Darling is still a twat.

• Economy to grow by 3.5% annually from 2011

No IMF projection yet, but it is highly likley that Darling is still a twat, but even more likley he will not be chancellor.

• Public borrowing to increase to £175bn this year

Disastrous. Uttherly disastrous. An enlarged public sector makes as much sense as a four-sided triangle. All borrowing has to be paid back at some point, and being saddled with burrowing, plus intrest, we'll be tied down with financial rope whilst other economies are recovering and going 'Is that Britain? Ha! F**k You!'

• Borrowing levels to be £173bn, £140bn, £118bn and £97bn in years after

This could all have been avoided by allowing failed businesses to fail and let the private sector sort itself out. Keynesianism has NEVER worked and it NEVER will. Keynesian stimulus is not very stimulating at all to Mr Eagle Eye.

• Consumer price inflation to fall to 1% by end of year. Retail Price Index to go to -3% by September.

UK prices dropping for the first time in 50 years. This is a disaster. Before you celebrate that prices are going down, remember that wages will fall too as companies will look to recover that lost revenue. Labour must never be allowed to take power again.

• Capital investment to continue at historically high levels until 2012

Labour must never, ever be allowed to take any kind of power anywhere ever, ever again, ever.

Jobs and Training

• Government support for economy to protect 500,000 jobs

What kind of jobs will these be? Will they be private-sector positions in an economy where competition is encouraged and not distorted by bail-outs, and not off the back of the tax-payer, in British Economy that welcomes foreign companies instead of barking protectionism back at them? Fat chance. These 'protected' jobs will be for the rafts of people working in bloated public services departments, on the back of the tax payer.

• Statutory redundancy pay up from £350 to £380 a week

Another £30 a week in a deflating economy?

• Extra support for people who have been out of work for 12 months through the flexible new deal

'Hello, my name is the British Government! Have you been out of work for 12 months claiming dole? Excellent! You are just the person we are looking for, and have a great new deal for you!'

Punish the successful to feed the 'needs' of the underclass. Socialists, Labour, New Labour, whatever the fuck you want to call yourselves, I cannot wait to see you annihilated at the next general election. Sureley have a successful economy is to encourage people to be successful. Seems like common sense to Mr Eagle Eye.

However, socialists react to common sense in the same way a vampire reacts to sunlight.

• From January all under-25s out of work for a year to be offered a job or training place with extra money on top of benefits for those in training

If the aim is to get people back into work and train them, why wait for them to be on the dole for a year? Instead of allowing them to dole-scrounge, why not just shove them into training placements or jobs immediately if it was going to be done anyway?

• £1.7bn extra funding for Job Centre network

Or, we could try something really quite radical and dramatically cut benefits! Once these work-dodgers realise they will be no longer be paid to sit at home smoking fags and getting pregnant with their latest offspring, perhaps then they'll realise they'd better start pulling their own weight, or get screwed!

• £250m funding to help people get work experience in growth industries

And what does Labour denote as a 'Growth Industry?'. The only thing socialism can look at as the future; the Public Sector...

• Funding to create 54,000 new places in sixth form education

Well, let's see about this one. But if the juvenile in question is already an illiterate chav by the time they are done with the primary and secondary education system under Labour, sixth form will not save them.

Get the Primary and Secondary education system fixed first before putting the youngsters through another load of Labourcation.

Housing

• Scheme to guarantee mortgage-backed securities to boost lending

'Yes, let's lend money stupidly to people who cannot pay it back. It's just like the boom years, but even better, because we know the UK government will pay us if they go tits up!' The stupidity of Labour is just absoultley incredulous.

• Stamp duty holiday for homes up to £175,000 to be extended to end of year

Not too familiar with what Stamp Duty is, so I cannot pass fair judgement on this one. Mr Eagle Eye is temporarily blind! Moving swiftly on!

• Extra £80m for shared equity mortgage scheme

Again, not something I am too knowledgeable about. Moving even more swiftly onwards!

• £500m to kick-start stalled housing projects - including £100m for local authorities to build energy efficient homes

One of the more positive things in the budget, but still, Eagle Eye is not blinded to the flaws! Housing is lacking in quantity in the UK, so having more available for use would be a huge bonus for the economy. However, either due to over-regulation or other reasons, many new 'affordable' homes are just simply too expensive. The UK has seen a boom in premium-level housing and penthouses, but these are not the solution to overcrowding.

• £50m to upgrade housing for the armed forces

Whilst the government is utterly shameful for bandwagoning on the 'our boys' mentality in order to get a cheap rise from voters, I do agree that the armed forces to deserve better. Mr Eagle Eye approves.

Government Savings

Mr Eagle Eye is laughing so hard his feathers are nearly falling out. Savings? Joke of the Year, that is!

• Tax loopholes and schemes identified which could provide £1bn of extra revenue over the next three years if closed

So Labour have been in power for 12 years and have only just discovered these loopholes? Perhaps it covers parliamentary expenses? It would certainly help getting the likes of Jacqui Smith weaned off the teat

• An extra £9bn in efficiency savings is planned

Public Sector expansion does not go in-hand with efficiency. Total crap. Eagle Eye needs to clench his beak for the smell of crap is getting too intense!

• Public spending growth to be cut from 1.1% next year to 0.7% from 2011-2012

You won't be in charge 2011-2012 you delusional child. Mr Eagle Eye suggests you busy yourself with alternative things to do in 2011-2012, like writing your highly anticipated biography 'New Labour, same old Failure'

Benefits

• Child tax credit to rise by £20 by 2010

I am not personally in favour of encouraging people to breed when they cannot financially afford to raise their children. To have children is a responsibility, not just a right.

• Child trust funds for disabled children to rise by £100 a year, £200 a year for severely disabled children

Child trust funds should be equal for all children. I'm not picking on the severly disabled here, but I believe that all children should be treated equally. Plus, there will be so many dole-scroungers trying to make out that thier children are severley disabled, totally screwing up their educational years as a result.

Savings

• Annual limit for tax-free ISAs to rise to more than £10,200 for over-50s this year and for everyone else next year. Of that amount £5,100 can be saved in cash

Mr Eagle Eye nods his head here, but why must everyone else wait until next year? However, it is doubtful many people will actually benefit from this.

Environment

• Britain commits to cut carbon emissions by 34% by 2020

How, when we are bailing out a failed car industry by buying new cars? As unrealistic as Mr Eagle Eye learning to fly!

• An extra £1bn to help combat climate change by supporting low-carbon industries

What kind of low-carbon industries? Elaborate, my Darling!

• £525m for offshore wind projects over the next two years

Wind Power = Fail. It produces sod all electricity in comparison to the energy and cost involved in construction and green-lighting as far as setting them up is concerned. Nuclear is the best energy option at present, but there are alternatives to building those monstrous three-armed clusterfucks off our coastlines.

• £435m support for energy efficiency schemes for homes, firms and public buildings

Given that we are burrowing hundreds of £billions each year, hundreds £millions a year on this hippie-crap? Drop in the ocean! Go ahead.

• £405m to encourage low-carbon energy and advanced green manufacturing

As above

Help for Business

• Help for loss-making companies extended - they will be able to reclaim more taxes paid in the last three years until November 2010

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Mr Eagle Eye is most displeased! As I have squawked previously, failing companies deserve to fail! Successful companies should be going all kickass and predatorially competitive on that market share up for grabs, not financing the inefficiency of their competitors!

• Businesses' main capital allowance rate doubled to 40% to encourage firms to bring forward investment

One of the more positive ideas put forward today, but so long as it's money thrown at companies that are not loss-making and pissing up.

• New £750m strategic investment fund to help emerging technologies and regionally important sectors

New technologies are critical to economic recoveries as they drive innovation. However, Mr Eagle Eye will keep a close watch on this. What the government determines as an 'emerging technology' may not be what is actually most efficient and practical as a new approach in the real world of work. This will be critical.

Pensioners

• Grandparents of working age who care for their grandchildren will see that work count towards their entitlement for the basic state pension

Mr Eagle Eye has got his wings all flapped up in confusion here. Pay the grandparents to look after their grandchildren and it helps have childcare kept within the family, and would be better for the children than having them attending nursery perhaps. On the other hand, lots of nurseries will see a dip in business with subsequent job-lossess, and, of course, we'll be paying for the child-care, and the new child-carers on the dole off the tax payers back!

Ok, I have decided. Bad idea!

• Winter fuel allowance to be maintained at higher level - £250 for over 60s and £400 for over-80s - for another year

Fair play.

• The basic state pension will be increased by at least 2.5%, regardless of inflation

Nods to that

• From November the limit on savings pensioners can have before their Pension Credits are reduced is to be raised from £6,000 to £10,000 to help those hit by low interest rates. It will mean an average of £4 extra a week, says the chancellor

Not likley to have much of an effect really.

Ok, Mr Eagle Eye is quite puffed out from that rather long and insidous rant at the budget, but hopes you enjoy! Remember, Mr Eagle Eye is watching, laughing and who knows what else! Haha!

The Hilarious Self-Destruction of the Labour Party!

As the UK Labour Party enters another major smearstorm, I find it quite hilarious that Labour is seemingly doing more to lose the UK election than the Conservatives are to doing to win it. Ray Collins, General Secretary of the Labour Party and Charlie Whelan of the Unite Union have been exposed as being in a secret (not any more!) meeting to discuss online digital campaigning, the Red Rag site to be precise. This meeting also consisted of Damian McBride and Derek Draper, who have been at the heart of the 'Smeargate' Scandal.

For one who loves the taste of Labour scandals, this latest delicacy is particularly delicious. This meeting occurred very likley to the knowledge of Gordon Brown, given as the Party Secretary and his 'Mr Fix It' Whelan were in attendance. This without doubt shows Gordon Brown not only did nothing to stop attempts to baselessly spread rumours about opposition politicians, but that he also gave it the green light.

This latest clownery is not just the shit hitting the fan; it's the latest in a long line of turds to be thrown at this smiling fan. The Expenses Fiasco (let's not forget Jacqui Smith's husband enjoying his publically subsidized wanking), tampering with ballot boxes, long-time Labour MPs resigning in disgust at what their party has become, Cash for Honours (or thanks to Labour's education leading to a generation of illiterate chavs, maybe that should be 'Ca$h 4 Honrs, m8'). The Conservatives have been a 'Do Nothing' party, but it is better to do no harm than fuck up. As long as the Conservatives sit by smiling sheepishly whilst Labour kills itself in a quite frankly hysterical manner, the election is theirs to win.

And I do hope the Conservatives win. Not that I am particularly fond of the Conservatives, but that I have an immense dislike of Labour. Integrity has been missing in politics for a long time. However, there is a difference between a lack of integrity, and taking the piss, taking the piss on such a scale that it transcends being bad into so bad that it is funny.

Labour know they will lose the election, and that, just like times prior, their disastrous fuckery is going to be cleaned up by an incoming Conservative government. Like a madman on a death sentance, Labour and Brown are becoming increasingly potty.

But after the shit you have put this country through, thank you Labour Party for amusing and entertaining us on your way to the guillotine!